for robert

i lost a very dear friend this week. it has shaken me quite intensely. and – as you do i suppose- i have spent the last couple of days looking at pictures, reading through emails, and replaying memories – mostly accompanied by continual weeping…
he wrote me once though that while it’s best not to obsess over unhappiness, sometimes the most natural and human thing one can do is indulge the sadness. remembering the great moments you’ve shared with people and trying to let the pain comfort you. i knew what he meant at the time and though he wasn’t talking about death, i’ve taken his advice to heart over this and have found such enormous comfort in thinking about him, crying over him, and finally laughing (out loud- heartily and honestly) about the times we spent together.

and here is one of my favorites:

terrible jazz, cs lewis, and the meaning of life- all mixed with tequila

there is a bar in fort worth (or at least there was once- with any hope it has been unceremoniously shut down in the past 2 years) that called itself a jazz/tapas bar. being a big fan of both, my friend organized an evening here with hopes of high caliber, cultured fun.

well… there were tapas- weird and unpleasant and extremely expensive ones, and there was jazz- poorly performed and frequently interrupted by a drunk man in a white fedora stumbling into the band. there was also a grumpy bartender, a prostitute in a red dress, and a homeless man in a baseball cap from a team i can’t remember now but who wanted very much to discuss a game that had recently passed, exchange phone numbers and get a little money for food. my friend gave him an apple.

this was clearly not the ideal evening he had planned, but not being the type to give up on a night of drinking no matter the hardships, he managed to keep us there for about 2 hours with hilarious conversation – albeit continually disrupted by the screech of the microphone in the badly set up sound system.  as this bar more or less only served mexican beer however we did manage to lure him away from this garbage dump of an establishment with an absolutely brilliant suggestion (since i can’t remember who actually came up with this- i will take credit for it!): go to the new sushi restaurant for edamame and sake bombs! (note: we returned to this place at least 3 more times. your guess is as good as mine..)

sake bombs at a nice japanese restaurant are generally greeted by the staff as a welcome way to increase revenue.. though by fellow patrons as highly deplorable and obnoxious. not least in our case because of the rogue sake bomb that –poorly executed- bounced uninvited onto a neighboring table splashing beer and sake all over our unamused neighbor’s dinner. …whoops…
and so after about 3, we decided it was time to retire to my friend’s apartment to continue the evening deep in conversation.. and so as not to tempt the patience of the public any longer.

my friend was deeply christian and spoke beautifully about his faith. he loved to talk about religion, morals, life, love, society… he loved to discuss big topics and people loved discussing them with him. he was the type to have a conversation about the deterioration of the modern family through the misguided rejection of gender roles at a country dive bar over a game of shuffle board (true story.) he was fixed firmly in his beliefs and never doubted what he believed as truth, and yet always spoke with such an open minded, warm, and nonjudgmental manner. he was one of the few people i’ve ever known with whom i could discuss faith and religion openly and kindly- without trying to convince each other- without arguing – without feeling the other was wrong.  and that is what we did that evening.

he got his guitar and with a spirit of community and genuine interest, we all sat around discussing c.s. lewis’ till we have faces and the great divorce. (by the by- the great divorce is a masterpiece and religious affiliations and beliefs aside, i highly recommend it as one of the most thought-provoking books i’ve read on the concepts of heaven and hell.)

and as we discussed these books and this author, the conversation led inevitably to christianity and other world religions. and as something of a theological scholar (through self-pursuit, though he talked often of going back for a theology degree) this was a very enjoyable thing to do with him.  it was entrancing the way he spoke- not just about his own religion- but all religion- with so much knowledge and thoughtful consideration. he never dismissed anything, ever, without thinking about it carefully and fully. this was clear in the way he spoke and made everything he said that much more interesting.. but i digress.

as we discussed these topics and as the conversation inevitably led to world religions AND as we were already several drinks into the evening, my friend thought this was an excellent opportunity to finish off his (more than half-full) bottle of tequila he had been saving. and.. as intelligent conversation tends to go down hill when mixed with tequila…

i can only laugh when i think of the last words spoken that night by the last of our friends left standing at sunrise:
“kate. robert. you have been saying the same idiotic 6 sentences back and forth to each other for the past 2 hours. let me solve this mystery for you: you are not going to discover the meaning of life after 28 shots of tequila. i’m leaving this madness. go to sleep.”

___

for those of you who knew robert, you will undoubtedly agree that he was one of the best. hilarious and joyful, kind and generous, intimidatingly intelligent and stunningly honest.. reading through our hundreds of emails this week has been such a comfort to me and i want to tell you that he spoke of you all (our mutual friends, his family, and all his friends from florida) so often and with so much love and respect.

for those of you who didn’t know him- thank you for letting me indulge myself this way. he was truly one of the best people i’ve ever known and – though i know he knew how much i loved and admired and valued him- i can’t help but wish i could tell him.
just one more time.

**note- i didn’t take this picture. it is from a trip he took in paris years ago. i love it though and it reminds of how he loved architecture and used to speak so beautifully and interestingly about buildings. constantly.